How do I tell my child how she was concieved?

[tracym1010]

My daughter is now four, and was concieved through donor insemination. She is the light of my husband's and my life. She knows she is special, and is starting to ask why. It has never been a secret to her, our family or close friends. We want to tell her, we just don't know how much she will understand, and where to start.

Does anyone have any ideas they would like to share on the subject?

[Annie]

:wave: Hello!

There are a couple of good books out there. One is
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0944934129/dionlindonorinse/ Let Me Explain is one of them -- some of it is a bit beyond a 4 year old, but it gets you started on the way to explaining it all.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/002861917X/dionlindonorinse also talks about disclosure, but it more of a book for when you are in the decision process -- and since you have a 4 year old, your well past that! LOL!

I think the biggest thing is to make sure it is not treated as a big deal -- just a part of life, know what I mean? So that it is never perceived as bad -- just how it is. :)

[suebattel]

Hi, I'm Sue. I don't have your exact situation yet, but close. Maybe my story will help in some way — or maybe I can learn from your situation.

I'm pregnant with a baby conceived by DI and due any day now. :-D We also have a very curious daughter who is 3-1/2 and was conceived by ICSI+ZIFT (a couple steps past regular IVF where the egg was fertilized with a needle and the embryo placed directly into my fallopian tube through an incision in my belly button).

Just this morning my daughter was retelling her own story to me. I 've mentioned to her lots of other times that doctors helped us make her, but I started telling her a lot about it a few months ago when she asked lots of questions about the baby. I wanted her to know her own special story, and it is different from how the baby was conceived. To paraphrase, she said, "You and Daddy had trouble making me so the doctors had to help you. They put Daddy's seed with your egg and put me in through your belly button when I was a baby."

Then she started saying that doctors did the same for our baby who's still in my womb (wrong) and I had to decide what to tell her next. I've told her a bit about the baby's conception story, but not too much. I wasn't trying to withold information, but we didn't tell our parents about the DI until Christmastime and I didn't want them to hear it from their 3-year-old granddaughter! So now that that is past, I think I'll use this story to tell my daughter:
"Daddy's seed didn't work, so we used the seed from a different man and put it in Mommy's womb with the egg."

I do suppose someday she will ask why their conception stories are different, and for now I think she'll be satisfied with the answer that Daddy's seed didn't work. Hopefully when the baby is older he or she will be satisfied with the same answer.

It is hard going through all the issues surrounding DI. It just hit me today after this conversation that biologically my kids will be half-siblings. I suppose they'll ask me about that someday, maybe when they're adolescents. But I know plenty of families who adopted some or all children where there was no biological connection whatsoever, and they are all happy, well-adjusted people who consider each other 100% siblings. If that time comes, I'll tell them that in our family we believe that love is what makes a family.

I do plan to get one of the books that the previous poster mentioned and share it with the baby when the time comes. I suppose I'll also get an IVF one for my daughter.

Good luck!
Sue

[tracym1010]

Thank you so much for your replies. They both help in their own way. I have done research on the title of the book you mentioned, and it seems to be out of print. I will keep looking though.