Stages of Relationships...

[Annie]

Summarized from The Marriage Map
Understanding and Surviving the Stages of Marriage
Maxine Rock

All long term relationships and marriages go through certain stages
of periods of growth where the relationship changes for better or worse. The stages are universal and predictable. They are a
necessary part of the ongoing growth process of the two individuals
involved. It is helpful for couples to know of these stages so they
can deal with the challenges of each stage.

Now if you have had several relationships or marriages that broke up
at the same stage, then it may be time to do some soul searching
here. If you repeat the same pattern of breakup with different
partners, there may be hidden agendas within you that would bear
looking at.

Stage One: FANTASY TIME (years one to three) is when you think
everything about your mate is wonderful, and if it isn't, his or her
faults are "cute" rather than annoying. The euphoria of the new
relationship makes you overlook certain not-so-great traits of your
partner. We like the good feelings that a new romance brings that we
avoid seeing red flag behaviors that might make us run screaming off
into the night. Love can be very, very blind but it does feel so
good.

Stage Two: COMPROMISE (years two to seven) After the bloom of
romance fades, reality set it with mutual disappointment. It's not
all rosy as your chemically induced brain promised it would be. You
realize that you are annoyed or hurt by certain of your spouse's
traits or habits. This is a dangerous time when many relationships
fall apart. Secretly at first then out in the open, you begin plotting
on how to get your partner to change. You may even promise to make
changes of your own in return.

Stage Three: REALITY STRUGGLES (years five to ten) If you are still
together, then things appear to get worse. You realize that while some
compromises may stick, you and your spouse aren't going to change all
that much. Power struggles now emerge big time. Sex may begin to
become boring.

Reality Struggles put the relationship to the test. During this
stage you must force yourself to understand and accept the other
person's limitations. The truth is that he or she cannot live up to
your ideal. Expectations for the perfect marriage are dashed during
this stage.

The willingness to give the partner a positive critique is the key to
moving through this stage of Reality Struggles. A crucial task of
this stage of the relationship is idealizing the partner's best
qualities. This ability to see the partner's behavior in a positive
seems to take place largely at the subconscious level. People who can
idealize the partner's good traits seem to be able to tolerate many
other peculiarities they might considered "bad." Extreme pleasure
derived from the partner's good traits apparently serves as a balm for
wounds and a balancing on the sheet of pros and cons in the
relationship.

People get stuck in Reality Struggles because they lack the
self-esteem necessary to say, "I can handle this." Dr. Scott Peck,
says in his book The Road Less Traveled, that one must be willing to
undergo personal discomfort and psychic pain in order to perceive
reality and act upon it. Mental health is an ongoing process of
dedication to reality at all costs. The life of wisdom must be a life
of contemplation combined with action." The capacity to surrender
without capitulation is worth striving for. Reality means seeing the
good and the bad in each other objectively. You see the negative but
cope with it by accepting a philosophy of "I can deal with this."

Stage Four: DECISIONS (years ten to fifteen) comes right after a
person accepts reality . . . and doesn't like it much. Now that
you've seen your partner's worst stuff, can you continue to live with
them? Can you cope with those bad points of your partner so they
don't interfere with the continued growth of the marriage? For some,
staying may mean accepting more responsibility than they had bargained
for. For others, it means growing up and accepting that life isn't
perfect.

Stage Five: SEPARATION (years twelve to seventeen) is a tough time
of confusion as the problems still remain resulting in frustration.
What to do--stay together, separate or divorce? The Big D (divorce)
word looms big in this stage.How many different ways could you stay
together or should you just call it quits? Separation could mean
staying together while remain aloof and alienated or enjoying each
other's company while living in separate residences.

This stage of separation, perhaps the most painful point on the
Marriage Map, ends when couples start talking about specific ways to
alter their lives so they can remain married. There is great relief
in knowing the other person cares enough to make the effort of such
discussion.

Stage Six: TOGETHER AGAIN (years seventeen to twenty) when you
realize that despite what may be some irreconcilable differences, you
want to stay married. The commitment is not only to one another, but
also to the concept of preserving and enhancing your growth as a
couple--no matter what. Thinking or talking about divorce is no
longer an option; there is mutual agreement to settle in and stick it
out.

Stage Seven: NEW FREEDOM (years twenty to twenty-five) is a release
from the pressures of making up and trying to fit comfortable into the
new emotional lifestyle you have created with your spouse. Now the
relationship flows quite naturally. They stop trying so hard to
please. It really doesn't matter, because you are--at last-- fully
accepted and accepting.

New Freedom is a time of deepening personal growth. Both partners
are free to explore new ways of fulfilling themselves, instead of
pouring so much energy into the marriage. The New Freedom stage marks
what many people consider the beginning of the best years of marriage.

Stage Seven: ONGOING GROWTH continues the expansion of personal
horizons within a marriage that has successfully gone through all the
stages. Congratulations for making it to the golden goal. You have
earned the rich, ripe reward of growing together while remaining
enough of an individual to grow separately as well. Ahhh....