A Plea for Warmth and Affection:
New Skills for the Dysfunctional Family
by Mark Sichel, LCSW

How many of you who have grown up in dysfunctional families remember spontaneous expressions of love and caring? How often were you hugged? How easily are you able to hug another person? Sadly, for
the adult children of dysfunctional families, the answers are usually "not very often" and "not very easily."

Luckily, I think that for many people warmth is a tool that can be learned. In many ways, one can integrate a habit into one's lifestyle. If you have grown up in a family where you have never heard the words "I love you," you need to make it a practice and habit to say "I love you" within your current family and support system. Many of us just do not think of saying I love you, and therefore, if you want to achieve this new behavior, you need to consciously focus on integrating the behavior into your life.

One of the most heart wrenching stories I have heard over the years was from a man who grew up in a highly dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father and a narcissistic self-involved mother. He related
to me how when he was eleven years old, he cut himself while playing in the yard, and in his panic and fear, rushed into the house. His mother, rather than comforting him and taking care of him shrieked and scolded him instead with the words: "You're bleeding all over my rug! Get into the bathroom now." She then proceeded to focus on trying to get the blood stains out of her rug, while the eleven year old boy tended to his wounds as best he could.

When people have memories like these, it is very, very hard to ask for warmth, and to trust warmth that is offered freely. One of the biggest achievements I've seen people make in their therapy work is to learn when they need to ask for a hug rather than get into a fight with their partner.

One of the joys in life are warm and affectionate relationships with the people we love. For so many of us, this is a learned skill and one we struggle to sustain and maintain. One of the difficulties people have in recovery from dysfunctional families is that growing up in these families, we learn what I call TWISTED THINKING. It is very difficult to get over twisted thinking when you have been raised with that kind of attitude.

In an alcoholic family, there is often a notion that if you encourage a child to aspire, you will encourage a "swelled head." Similarly, if you tell a child how wonderful they are, you will make them conceited. This kind of twisted thinking goes on in a dysfunctional family.

In a dysfunctional family, if you tell someone you love him or her, they will become accustomed to it and just take you for granted. Similarly, if another member of the family tells you they love you, you will wonder what they want from you. This is also twisted thinking.

The overall climate in many dysfunctional and alcoholic homes is one where celebration and festivity is not encouraged, unless it is within the confines of "cocktail hour." Children are given utilitarian gifts rather than what they want, and gift-wrapping is often seen as a frivolous expense. If you help a child with their
homework, they will "never" learn to do it on their own. If your child does not want help with their homework, they are ungrateful.

A good way to begin to integrate warmth and positive affection in your relationships is to make an appreciation list of the qualities you admire in your significant other. Share that list of qualities you appreciate and set your feet on the path to warm and affectionate relationships.

Copyright 2004: Mark Sichel is a psychotherapist, consultant, and speaker on a broad range of issues related to family, mental health, and interpersonal problems. He is the editor and principal author of
the award winning self-help website, www.psybersquare.com. For a more detailed guide to overcoming the panic brought on by dysfunctional family experiences, read Mark Sichel's new book,
Healing From Family Rifts : Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family. For more information about this book visit the author's website: www.marksichel.com