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How
to Have a Happy Marriage When You're Busy Being Parents
By Elizabeth
Pantley
Author of Kid Cooperation, Perfect Parenting and Hidden Messages
Is
your marriage everything you ever hoped it could be? Or has it been
pushed down your list of priorities since having children? Let's
face it, parenthood is a full-time job, and it dramatically changes
your marriage relationship. But marriage is the foundation upon
which your entire family is structured. If your marriage is strong,
your whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful,
you'll be a better parent, and you'll, quite simply, have more fun
in your life.
Make
a commitment
To create or maintain a strong marriage you will have to take the
first critical step: You must be willing to put time, effort and
thought into nurturing your marriage. The ideas that follow will
help you follow through on this commitment and will put new life
and meaning into your marriage. A wonderful thing may happen. You
may fall in love with your spouse all over again. In addition, your
children will greatly benefit from your stronger relationship. Children
feel secure when they know that Mom and Dad love each other-particularly
in today's world, where 50 percent of marriages end in divorce;
half of your children's friends have gone, or are going through
a divorce; or maybe it's your kids who have survived a divorce and
are now living in a new family arrangement. Your children need daily
proof that their family life is stable and predictable. When you
make a commitment to your marriage, your children will feel the
difference. No, they won't suffer from neglect! They'll blossom
when your marriage-and their homelife-is thriving.
The
surprising secret is that this doesn't have to take any extra time
in your already busy schedule. Just a change in attitude plus a
committed focus can yield a stronger, happier marriage.
So
here's my challenge to you. Read the following suggestions and apply
them in your marriage for the next 30 days. Then evaluate your marriage.
I guarantee you'll both be happier.
Look
for the good, overlook the bad
You married this person for many good reasons. Your partner has
many wonderful qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle to your
marriage is to look for the good and overlook the bad.
Make
it a habit to ignore the little annoying things - dirty socks on
the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter, worn out flannel
pajamas, an inelegant burp at the dinner table - and choose instead
to search for those things that make you smile: the way he rolls
on the floor with the baby; the fact that she made your favorite
cookies, the peace in knowing someone so well that you can wear
your worn out flannels or burp at the table.
Give
two compliments every day
Now that you've committed to seeing the good in your partner, it's
time to say it! This is a golden key to your mate's heart. Our world
is so full of negative input, and we so rarely get compliments from
other people. When we do get a compliment, it not only makes us
feel great about ourselves, it actually makes us feel great about
the person giving the compliment! Think about it! When your honey
says, "You're the best. I'm so glad I married you." It not only
makes you feel loved, it makes you feel more loving.
Compliments
are easy to give, take such a little bit of time, and they're free.
Compliments are powerful; you just have to make the effort to say
them. Anything works: "Dinner was great, you make my favorite sauce."
"Thanks for picking up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful, you
saved me a trip." "That sweater looks great on you."
Play
nice
That may sound funny to you, but think about it. How many times
do you see -- or experience -- partners treating each other in impolite,
harsh ways that they'd never even treat a friend? Sometimes we take
our partners for granted and unintentionally display rudeness. As
the saying goes, if you have a choice between being right and being
nice, just choose to be nice. Or to put this in the wise words of
Bambi's friend Thumper, the bunny rabbit - "If you can't say somethin'
nice don't say nothin' at all."
Pick
your battles
How often have you heard this advice about parenting? This is great
advice for child-rearing-and it's great advice to follow in your
marriage as well. In any human relationship there will be disagreement
and conflict. The key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing
and which are better off ignored. By doing this, you'll find much
less negative energy between you.
From
now on, anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine the issue
at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. "How important is this?"
"Is this worth picking a fight over?" "What would be the benefit
of choosing this battle versus letting it go?"
The
60 second cuddle
You can often identify a newly married couple just by how much they
touch each other - holding hands, sitting close, touching arms,
kissing - just as you can spot an "oldly-married" couple by how
little they touch. Mothers, in particular, often have less need
for physical contact with their partners because their babies and
young children provide so much opportunity for touch and cuddling
that day's end finds them "touched fulfilled". So here's a simple
reminder: make the effort to touch your spouse more often. A pat,
a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage - the good feeling it produces
for both of you far outweighs the effort.
Here's
the deal: Whenever you've been apart make it a rule that you will
take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch and connect. This can be addictive!
If you follow this advice soon you'll find yourselves touching each
other more often, and increasing the romantic aspect of your relationship.
Spend
more time talking to and listening to your partner
I don't mean, "Remember to pick up Jimmy's soccer uniform." Or "I
have a PTA meeting tonight." Rather, get into the habit of sharing
your thoughts about what you read in the paper, what you watch on
TV, your hopes, your dreams, your concerns. Take a special interest
in those things that your spouse is interested in and ask questions.
And then listen to the answers.
Spend
time with your spouse
It can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you spend
all your time being "Mommy" and "Daddy". You need to spend regular
time as "Husband" and "Wife". This doesn't mean you have to take
a two-week vacation in Hawaii. (Although that might be nice, too!)
Just take small daily snippets of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted
conversation, or even just quiet companionship, without a baby on
your hip, a child tugging your shirtsleeve or a teenager begging
for the car keys. A daily morning walk around the block or a shared
cup of tea after all the children are in bed might work wonders
to re-connect you to each other. And yes, it's quite fine to talk
about your children when you're spending your time together, because,
after all, your children are one of the most important connections
you have in your relationship.
When
you and your spouse regularly connect in a way that nurtures your
relationship, you may find a renewed love between you, as well as
a refreshed vigor that will allow you to be a better, more loving
parent. You owe it to yourself - and to your kids - to nurture your
relationship.
So
take my challenge and use these ideas for the next 30 days. And
watch your marriage take on a whole new glow.
Parts
of this article are excerpted with permission from books by Elizabeth
Pantley: Kid
Cooperation: How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids
to Cooperate and Hidden
Messages: What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth by New Harbinger Publications,
Inc. and by McGraw-Hill/Contemporary
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